QQ : NUMBER FORTY THREE - APRIL 21, 2015
HUMOR, IT'S ALL IN THE TIMING. IN TENNESSEE IT'S 1873
It's been an age since my last Quotient. I couldn't find anything funny in the zeitgeist. I found no humor around me as life unfolded. But now all is changed and the great Volunteer State has come to the rescue. We are actually a very funny bunch.
Tennessee has its priorities right. The legislature has chosen to blithely ignore the very essence of human compassion, and is setting its agenda accordingly.
QQ 1: SAINT JAMES OR MOSES? WE JUST CAN'T DECIDE
The great state of Tennessee's official bird is the "Mocking".
The state dance is "Square" .
And the state drink is "Milk".
I'm not making this up.
The discussion concerning designating the "Bible" as Tennessee's state book (and we are never sure which particular biblical text) has been a legislative priority. That priority has been taking up considerable time, taxpayer's money and resources...in a state where one in every four children lives in poverty.
Children don't vote.
It's all in The Book, but which one?
QQ 2: WHERE ON EARTH CAN I PARK MY GUN?
One in eight adult Tennesseans kant reed.
That's why the state government has made the issue of guns being allowed in parks a legislative priority. Can't you see the connexshun?
We can now also legally pack our favorite military automatic weapon in the trunks of our cars...in the office parking lot, while we're at work. Now that's your government working for you.
Maybe that second amendment would pack even more punch if the one in eight illiterates in the state could read it, and understand its subsequent misinterpretation. Whaaaatt? The NRA could probably increase its membership if only their constituents could read their flyers.
On that basis I propose that the NRA take on the issue of literacy and child poverty.
QQ 3: KEEP 'EM BAREFOOT AND PREGNANT
The Sharia people have it right. Random virginity testing is a concept every Tennessee legislator could only dream of.... as long as they can perform the test themselves. For the moment, our beloved government representatives are determined to mess with; the rulings of SCOTUS; the private relationship between a woman and her doctor; and the rights of a woman to the integrity of her own body. Determined, I tell you.
Gotta control those uppity women. Unless of course, one of our beloved legislators knocks up his mistress. That we can do.
Gynecology for all... in the legislature. Just another, well-considered priority brought to you by your state representatives to improve the quality of life for all Tennesseans. Now and forever. Amen.
QQ 4: DECLARE THE WORD "OBAMACARE" TO BE THE STATE CURSE-WORD.
Lawmakers are just fine with their state-paid, health insurance. That's the kind of socialism they believe in. It's the poor, illiterate bastards on the other side of the Cumberland River that don't deserve it. 'Insure Tennessee' is way too close to the "O" word to be even uttered.
Natural selection is a natural process. Let the undesirables get sick and die. For the few who can access an emergency room, the added, monumental costs are a small price to pay for not having to soil themselves with the offensive "O" program. Keep that Muslim Socialist Kenyan away from my Healthcare. We need to keep the great State of Tennessee at #38 on the US Health Index. Thirty-eight is a good number. Mine's locked and loaded.
We need to bring our country back. Destroying any possibility of health insurance for the poor and disadvantaged is the greatest first step that we can take. We know our priorities and with this issue, we are prepared to exercise them...to the death.
QQ 5: EDJAMACATION, COMMON CORE AND THE CHARTER-BIZ
Tennessee ranks #41 out of 50 states in education. That would make the discussion about it a much more important issue than actually solving the problem. Assuming there is a problem. Maybe there is no problem. Just because education can be shown to have a positive effect on economic growth and society's well-being should not interfere with talking...and talking, and talking. Let's just keep talking, rather than actually educate. We can leave that to the next generation. Civil unrest, crime and poverty will keep the police employed and busy; the food banks running and the legislators moving their mouths up and down while making educational-sounding noise about math and science scores.
Common core is a common bore, when kids don't eat.
QQ 6: PUBIC TRANSFORMATION, PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION
Let the marketplace set the agenda. Isn't that the Reagan way?
De-regulate, and all will be well.
The caveat is that we are letting our legislators regulate our moral lives based on their fundamentalist, Sharia-version of Christianity.
The End Times are near.
You Will Be judged by Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin: Hell's adjudicators.
Reagonomics is the ‘precursor’ to the Second Coming.
Ayn Rand is the ‘curser’.
However, when it comes to getting a bus line to transport the car-less from East Nashville to the Emerald City of Belle Meade--no, no. That we can't have.
Legislators successfully divided the city with the interstate years ago. They need to keep us separated by de-legislating any possibility of a viable, public transportation system. We just don't have the funds.
We certainly won't accept money from the dreaded "O" person.
QQ 7. THE MORALITY CLAUSE, THE SANTA CLAUS AND THE CAT'S CLAWS.
Marijuana is almost as dirty a word as the "O" word.
Pot is Tennessee's illegal still of the 21st century.
The Penitentiary-Industrial-Complex needs feeding, and if we can't fill those jails with axe murderers, we'll fill'em with pot-heads. They'll do. It's a morality thing. In Tennessee, we look inward. The fact that the entire state of Colorado has not been subject to the same fate as Sodom and Gomorrah is just a matter of time.
The fact that prostitution is absolutely legal in Australia and semi-legal in the 51st state, Canada, just points to their moral decay. They will meet their Maker if not in Heaven, then at least in Tennessee.
QQ 8: SIDEWALKS, SIDELINES AND SIDEARMS.......UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
Where exactly is a woman supposed to answer the call of nature in our extensive greenways, particularly in the fall and spring when there's no place to hide?
Why are there no sidewalks in Nashville neighborhoods?
Who in their right mind rides a bike on our ditch-sided roadways?
What is an electronic cigarette?
Why do country music singers wear funny hats?
What makes Rascal Flatts country?
Why is Jack White?
Where can you get a decent veal Wiener Schnitzel within 500 miles of Nashville?
QQ 9: IT'S A LOST CAUSE
When Gov. Haslam is considered too liberal
When Music Row becomes a condo paradise
When Loretta Lynn, Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson have left no heritage of songcraft.
When you can't buy a bottle of wine on the Lord's Day (which Lord?)
When Nashville considers itself to be a food city.....you gotta be kidding me.
No soup for you!
QQ 10: SO WHY NASHVILLE? OR GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM YOU PINKO JEW!
I love it for:
The exciting nightlife in Bellevue
That thing they call a newspaper, The Tennessean.
But also on a slightly more positive note:
The Blair School of Music
The Time Jumpers
Second Harvest Food Bank
Avi Poster and Tom Negri
The downtown Art Crawl
The Bluebird, if they ever will respond to my emails
The Warner Park system
The amazing Nashville musicians who are engaged in Custer's last stand for the music industry
But hey, it's Music City.
Just don't smoke in a Broadway bar.
You might get shot.
Etched on my stone tablet
with editing by Batsheva