THEY COULD HAVE BEEN CONTENDERS:
Eleven Republican presidential contenders. In case any of them don't make it all the way to "1600" - no worries.
Here is a list of reasonable facsimile, presidential jobs for each of them.
1. DONALD TRUMP: President of the United States of PIGS - that is -
Portugal-Ireland-Greece-Spain.
Famous campaign Statements:
"I'll send all those Portuguese rapists back to where they came from......Mexico".
"Then I'll build a wall around PIGS, paid for by the sale of Irish Mosques".
"I'll make Sparta huge, really 'Huge and Great' again and defeat Athens in partnership with my new, bosom buddy, Vlad, the Tootin''- Shootin'- Putin".
Campaign slogan: "Free the Bacon".
2. TED CRUZ: President of Persia.
Famous Campaign Statements:
"We'll carpet bomb ISIS". "After all we make the worlds finest carpets here in Persia".
Campaign slogan: "Trump's got a rug.....I got carpets".
3. BEN CARSON: President of Oz
Famous Campaign Statements:
"We're not in Kansas anymore". "Someone wake me up when we're over the rainbow".
Campaign slogan: "It's not brain surgery".
4. JEB! President of Tijuana.
Famous Campaign Statements:
"Some of my best friends are Mexican". "Take my wife........"
"W is the smart one"
Campaign slogan: "Jed-i".
5. CHRIS CHRISTIE: President of the Republic of Puerto Rico.
"Bridge, who needs a bridge"? "Hugs,I'll give you hugs, even Obama if I have to".
Campaign slogan: "I protected Puerto Rico from 9/11, I'll keep it safe from ISIS".
6. MARCO RUBIO: President of Chipotle.
Famous Campaign Statements:
"Chipotle is the model for how I will destroy ISIS". "Selective decimation using tortillas as the ultimate WMD".
"Who needs Obamacare? At Chipotle ...we take care of our own."
Campaign slogan: "I was a poor black sharecropper in Cuba". "Look at me now".
7. CARLY FIORINA: President of Libya.
Famous Campaign Statements:
"Little Italy will be born again in the former Italian colony of Benghazi" "Revolutionary HP technology will print pasta for all, so the layoffs of unnecessary employees will be mitigated".
"What's wrong with my face"? "I had to get time off from 101 Dalmatians to do this".
"Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom". "Might take me a minute".
Campaign slogan: "Laying off 30,000 people is just the beginning".
"You're gonna get laid (off)".
8. MIKE HUCKABEE: President of Jerusalem
Famous Campaign Statements:
"The end times are here". "You're all going to hell". (Bass players excluded).
"I'm the decider". "I have a direct line to God and he told me so". "You're all a bunch of fornicators and it's time I banned fornication for good". "I'm the anti-fornicators in chief"
Campaign slogan: "Jesus had a permit to carry". "So should you".
9. JOHN KASICH: President of Disneyland
Famous Campaign Statements:
"Disneyland is the happiest place on earth and I intend to keep it that way".
"There are no poor people, no sick people, and no troubled people in my Disneyland".
"We will bring Dis-mocracy to the Middle East and ISIS will embrace Mickey Mouse as their savior". "Peace will prevail".
Campaign slogan: "It's a small world. Yes it is."
10. RAND PAUL: President of The Democratic Republic of the Congo
Famous Campaign Statements:
"Now here's a nation I can get my teeth into". "Here we have the ultimate example of freedom from big government". "In fact it's freedom from any government". "Free enterprise at its finest".
"Let freedom reign". "Ayn Rand would have loved this place". "Only the strongest survive, or eat or have medical care or human rights of any kind". "My kinda place".
Campaign slogan: "Live and let live". "Eat or be eaten".
11. RICK SANTORUM: President of Las Vegas.
Famous Campaign Statements:
"What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas". "Sodom and Gomorrah were nothing compared to this place"."You think I'm just gonna turn you all into pillars of salt"? That was nothin'". "Watch me you sinners". "I'll nuke the place and any other place that kills babies, and defies the second amendment".
"God gave me rights and wrote them into the constitution...., personally".
"Fear me and fear god because together we'll bring down ultimate retribution for all you sinners".
Campaign slogan: "I'm a happy -go -lucky guy". "Watch me take it to the next level... Defcon 5."
www.johncapek.com
Etched on my stone tablet.
Edited by Batsheva
